So it turns out I am not able to motivate some of my team members to work for me. This sort of didn’t really come as a surprise to me. I know I am not a great motivational speaker or generally don’t know how to motivate someone. For me motivation has always been more of an internal thing. Every time I mess up something, it motivates me to not repeat the same thing again. I usually get motivated by watching other people. So it becomes very hard for me to motivate anyone. The reason I am writing all this down is because I got told this on Friday by one of my team members. Now usually, they all share a love-hate relationship with me, because sometimes I know I dont act right. After all a team lead/ manager has to keep his cool and have patience all the time. Unfortunately, I dont have that. I tend to say stuff, which I should not say or act in a manner in which I should not act. I let my instincts/ emotions take over me, which I know is not good for business. Thus, according to my team members, I am acting my age and have risen up too fast. Sometimes I wish I didn’t have this position. I was more happy working by myself, coming to office, putting in my 9-10 hours and heading home. I have learned a lot at this level, but at the same time I need to learn a few things at a mental level. May be, time is the greatest teacher, and I will learn all these things as I move up and grow.

The other thing that got pointed out to me is that I have answers for everything. I find it hard to just take the blame. I have a reason which is why I acted in a certain manner. I am not saying that the reason is correct, but atleast I should be heard be out. I also get, I should stop trying to change everyone into me. This is last thing on the planet I want. I definitely want people to take the good things I have, but that does not mean I am asking them to change. Some people tell me for them family comes first and work comes next. I believe it is the same for most of us. But what is funny is team members want me to see their sacrifices, while none see mine. For them their family is family and my family is not. There are so many times when I have to change my plans to accommodate their reasons, but then that is expected I guess. But asking them to change their plans is a big NO-NO. Then I have to deal with sobbing team members (girls) or supremely pissed off people, which again is a problem in itself.

At times, I really wonder, if I am good enough for this job. Sometimes, I just feel like quitting and finding something better, or going back to Grad school and then find something else for myself. But then I realize, I am not the kind who gives up, so I am going to keep working on it, until it works out and gets better. I dont know why I have written this.. probably just a lot of pent up frustration which needed to come out. Hopefully things will get better in the coming new year. :). Lets see.